You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
