Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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