you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
