I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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