I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
