You smell like stripper and shame
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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