The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
