Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
