Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
