We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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