Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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