Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize