Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
