I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
