I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
