You just made me feel so damn special
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
