So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
