Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
