I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
