I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
