I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
