just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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