thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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