oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
