I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
