somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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