I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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