My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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