Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
