I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
