please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
