I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
