I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i used baking grease as lip gloss
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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