defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
