i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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