I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
