Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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