Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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