who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
