meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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