Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
