I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.