So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
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The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
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Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.