Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
