She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
