I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
