Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
