The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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