he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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