I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
