You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
