Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.