I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
