Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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