Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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