I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
