I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
