see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
