i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
