Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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